My mother's
sister Mabel was a trip. She was the cheapest person anyone knew. Her antics
still crack me up, to this day. Some of it is rather ugly – like the fact that
she wouldn't come to my grandfather's funeral because he died in New York and
she was in Florida at the time and planning on coming back a month later. Therefore,
she didn't want to spend the money for the ticket to turn around and come right
back. Her husband, my uncle Morris, did pretty well over the years. They had a
house in Florida, one in the Catskills, and for a long time, a co-op in NYC. The
way she behaved clearly came from childhood. Whether she got it from her
parents or from growing up during the Depression, I'm not really sure.
I always said that if I were going to be
a stand-up comic, Aunt Mabel would be my best material and then I'd be done. She
was notorious for never, and I mean never, throwing anything away. After her
funeral, when we went back to the house for the shiva, I was helping clean up
in the kitchen, washing some dishes. I picked up the little dishrag that was
sitting behind the faucet. It felt funny, like not an absorbent texture or
something. I un-wadded it and held it up. It was the armhole of a bra. She took
an old bra, cut the cups off (lord only knows what she did with those!), and
used the remainder to do dishes.
When they were kids, her daughter told
me, if they used Q-tips, she and her brother would have to break them in half. Otherwise,
my aunt would grab them out of the trash, pull off the "used" cotton,
and put them back in the container (ick!). The original recycler, my mother
used to call her.
Aunt Mabel used to steal, too. She told
us (and anyone else who would listen) that she paid for the carpet in her house
with all the money she didn't have to spend on Sweet 'n' Low over the years
because she stole it from restaurants. Apparently, she's not alone. If you go
to south Florida – not South Beach where the swanky folks hang out, of course –
and you want Sweet 'n' Low or Equal or whatever, you have to ask for it. And
they will only bring you 2 packets at a time.
I also am the proud owner of several
sets of Eastern Airlines flatware. When I moved into my first apartment in
college, Aunt Mabel asked me if I needed silverware. I should have known better,
but I didn't have any so I said, "sure." The stuff she gave me was
such junk that, if I left it in the stainless steel sink overnight, it would
rust. So, the next year, I got ready to move into a new apartment. I was at her
house over spring break, and she asked me again if I needed silverware. I must
have made a face (thinking about the rust!) because, before I could say
anything, she jumped in with, "Oh, no. This is not like last time. This is
the good stuff. This is from the airlines!"
***
I do not throw away printed matters. The Communists destroied pre-war books in Poland and distributed Stalin's ones, including History of the Bolshevik party. Later Stalin's books were destroied but Lenin's ones were distributed. Later Lenin's books were destroied and anyone claims he is not not a Communist. Orwell described such world in his 84'.
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