|BrunoSchulz The Infante and Her Dwarves|
The first time I went to Poland, I didn't go to Auschwitz. I was a teenager. I had flown on money I earned as a nurse's aide. When I was in high school, I made sure to be absent the day (yes really just one day) we were going to study the Holocaust and watch the film.
A lot of life had to happen before I was ready to write a dissertation that had anything to do with the Holocaust. Before I was ready to write "Bieganski." Basically, Indiana University happened. I saw so much darkness in my experience there. No need to go into detail here. Most people know the story. For those who don't there's the essay "A Small Miracle" online here.
So yeah Indiana University prepared me to write about evil and corruption.
I finally went to Auschwitz, watched the films, read the memoirs.
From my reading and listening, there are incidents that stay with me. I pray for the victims. Specific victims, people whose identifying features I remember. That one Russian woman, a suspected spy. What eight Germans did to her, before finishing her off with grenades. I pray for her, and others.
I don't read this stuff much anymore. I don't anticipate writing any further on the topic so I don't need to. It is a relief. I read and write about other things, now. Thank you, God.
As it happens, the other day I stumbled across what may be the single sickest thing I have read in my reading about the Holocaust and World War II. It happened accidentally.
Peter Sean Bradley, prodigious Amazon reviewer and Facebook friend, posted an article about an actor, perhaps it was Chris Pratt, saying that his Christian faith prevented him from doing sex scenes.
I said, oh, that's so silly. Sex scenes are essential to art. I reeled off a series of films that would be vitiated by the removal of their sex scenes, from "Coming Home" to "Gone with the Wind" to "Swept Away" to "Besieged" to "Schindler's List." There's a sex scene in "Schindler's List" that brings home to me how vulnerable women were.
Amon Goeth was the Nazi commandant of the Plaszow concentration camp. His dogs were trained to tear human beings apart. He shot random Jews from the window of his office. His victims, of course, included women and children.
According to Wikipedia, "On 13 September 1944 Goeth was relieved of his position and charged by the SS with theft of Jewish property (which belonged to the state, according to Nazi legislation), failure to provide adequate food to the prisoners under his charge, violation of concentration camp regulations regarding the treatment and punishment of prisoners, and allowing unauthorised access to camp personnel records by prisoners and non-commissioned officers."
Even the Nazis didn't like Goeth.
After the war, Goeth was tried for war crimes and for "personally killing, maiming and torturing a substantial, albeit unidentified number of people." His last words were "Heil Hitler."
Ralph Fiennes played the part of Amon Goeth in the film "Schindler's List." His performance was widely praised.
The sex scene in "Schindler's List" without which the movie would be so much less features Goeth harassing his helpless and terrified Jewish maid, Helen Hirsch. Hirsch was a real person. In the film she's played by Embeth Davidtz, very well.
Hirsch has retreated to the basement. She is wearing a light cotton slip. She is bathing so the slip is wet. Her body's contours are revealed. Goeth comes down and "converses" with her, though he supplies both sides of the conversation. He says he wishes he could connect with her. He fondles her. Then he brutally beats her.
I wanted to share that scene with Peter and so I googled the words "Amon Goeth" and immediately Google filled in the rest of the search for me with these words: "Amon Goeth Helen Hirsch fanfiction."
I wanted to puke right then and there.
Wanted to throw the computer across the room.
Fanfiction. Amateur authors writing romance novels about Amon Goeth and Helen Hirsch, and posting them online for others to read.
I clicked on only one: "Fallen." I skimmed some of it; didn't read the whole thing. What I read was pretty vanilla. In one scene, Goeth takes Helen into the woods to shoot her to death, but kisses her instead.
Okay, look. I wasn't born yesterday. I didn't just fall off the potato truck. I know there is some weird shit out there. I've read Andrea Dworkin's devastating article about Nazi-themed porn.
But this is just way beyond what I can handle. It disturbs in its very vanilla-ness.
Amon Goeth isn't some fevered fantasy. He was a real person and he was evil.
Helen Hirsch wasn't living the dream. She was innocent and robbed of what so many of us can take for granted – normalcy.
"Fallen" has received hundreds of comments. Maybe thousands; I didn't linger on the page. These aren't the type of people you could sweep under the rug. They sound like moms, housewives, school teachers maybe. Wanting a Nazi to kiss a Jew he just tried to kill.
I thought about this blog post for days. I thought, I really need to come up with some deep, complex analysis.
And then I thought, screw it, I can't. I just can't.